Q: My wife fell and hit her head on the ice, resulting in a brain injury. Her balance is unstable and her right side is very weak and awkward. She's out of the hospital now but doesn't seem to be able to do much around the house. Suddenly I'm expected to help her with her therapy and do all those things she used to do, like the laundry, change the beds, iron our clothes and cook dinner. It's just more stress for me to worry about at this point after a day at work. How can I figure out how to do all these things in the middle of trying to keep our lives together and keep up at work so I can pay the bills?
--Paul M.

A: It's difficult, Paul. Role changes are really confusing and it's even harder when you're pressed for time and money. It's hard not to resent a pile of new tasks. I assume you've ruled out paying someone to come in and do the housework? If not, it's certainly worth the money to have someone do the weekly or semi-weekly chores around the house, or at a minimum to send out the laundry.

You probably will have to re-learn old habits and take some shortcuts. Consider incorporating some of these chores into your wife's therapy. Perhaps she could fold laundry to help her re-learn coordination and structure. Have her help put dishes in the dishwasher or dish drainer. This will help her with her motor skills and probably increase her confidence and feelings of worth. If possible, modify her and your wardrobes to allow more permanent press clothing so that you both can just take your things out of the dryer and hang them up in the closet. These daily tasks done together might help you resent them less too.

We've been trained to think that if the house isn't spotless, or our clothes aren't neat, we're somehow bad people. But that's just a myth. Decide if clothing really needs to be pressed and press only those items, like your office clothing, that have to be wrinkle-free.

Consider cooking less and eating take out more often. My family existed on take-out pizzas and hamburgers for the first year after my husband's brain injury. Another option is to pick up fresh homemade dishes or ready-to-eat ingredients from the grocery store on your way home from work. Then all you need to do is assemble at home. It's a great alternative to prepping and cooking a full meal—and may trim the weekly shopping trip to just a few moments. (See my "Self Care Tips for Busy Caregivers: Quick and Healthy Meals" for other ideas.)

Most importantly, Paul, don't hold on to old ways of doing things. Sometimes habits make it hard for us to see alternatives. But once you can bring yourself to let go of how it's always been done before, you can find some shortcuts and "make do's" that will ease the work at home and/or complement your wife's therapy. That will give you a little more time and energy. Good luck!
-Marilyn Colter

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